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 Post Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:33 pm 
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J The Virgin's "Chode Years" Vol.2

This was it.

My second chance.

I can't fuck this up...

I won't fuck it up.

Lisa was back, and I was barely human. The lowest emotional point in my entire life.

Luckily I had people who would try to cheer me up:
***********************************************************
Mike: Dude, youre such a fuckin pussy. Why you letting this bitch get to you? She's not even all that hot. You havent even seen her in TWO FUCKIN YEARS!! And the time you were together, it wasnt even for a couple days! You should just bone down with Michelle, she at least knows you're alive. You know she wants your dick. Just let her suck it, brahhh...then stick it in her ass!
************************************************************
Sister Ripper: J, she's not worth it. The worst thing I could have done was introduce you to her. I have way prettier friends, just pick one out and I'll hook you up. Casey thinks youre cute, why dont you scam with her? C'mon, dont be a puss.
***********************************************************
Nick: If you mention the name Lisa one more time Im gonna kick you in the face and punch you in the neck. I'm gonna shove a glass bottle far up your ass and then kick you repeatedly in the stomach until I hear the glass break. No more pussy talk, pussy (punches me on the shoulder, hard.)
************************************************************
Yeah, I was surrounded by a swell bunch.

Lisa was back.

I kept repeating that to myself over and over again. This wasnt another one of my run-on daydreams that would make my 6 hour shift working at Wendy's flipping meat fly by. This time she was back...

...and for reals.

Did all the praying work? Did feeling like shit for 2 years, pathetically hoping she'd come back to me finally pay off?

During that time, I couldnt even enjoy food. And I used to love pigging out. This oneitis dulled my senses, turning my tastebuds into sawdust. The Triple Decker from Pizza Hut tasted like tomato brushed cardboard; chilie rellenos tasted like hot cheese filled slugs; The only thing I remotley liked and enjoyed were the PepperJack Flavor Dorritos...and they got discontinued.

I lost ambition to play music. Even popping in a Screeching Weasel or Misfits cd didint really inspire me. Whatever I popped in would be no different than audio of babies crying.

The only thing that made get out of bed was skateboarding. Not so much for the sake of just skating with my freinds, or wanting to be a pro...but for the rush I'd get of doing flip tricks off staircases and ledges; and being addicted to the pain of falling down. When the board would pop up and smack me in the shins, I'd close my eyes and savor sweet, beautiful, KoolAid red, unforgiving pain. Once I did a kick flip off a 7 staircase, and landed with all my weight on my ankle. I snapped it immeadiatly. The pain was agonizing ,and perhaps the most physical pain I'd ever felt in my 20 year old life. But I remember loving it...

Why?

Because, for that moment, Lisa got to run away from the chains connecting her to the very core of my mind, the essense of my existence and, at least temporarily, I didnt notice that "other feeling" as much...

Thar gooey, molten, rotting, syrupy filth that swirled around my guts every single day for two years, churning away, graually spreading outward through my limbs, teasing me, as if it could completely consume me, own me and destroy me.

Nothing could ever feel worse than that, especailly after waking up.

I was a mess. A wreck. An emotional barrel of toxic shit waste, only existing for the day when she'd return; I held her captive in my imagination, my dreams and fantasies...afterall, if she didnt return, what else would I have to live for?

I dont know how the hell Mike put up with me for those two years. I would bring her up at least once a day. He was my best freind, my diary, and probably the only person who managed to keep me sane enough not to go emo on myself and end me.

All I would do was think about her; it was obsession at it's sickest. At least pro obsessors had the balls (stupidity?) to stalk the desire of thier affection; me, I'd just lay on my bed and pray to a God I wasnt even really sure existed.

But it was the only hope I had. What else could I do?
=================================================

My friends didnt understand. How could they? At the time, I believed I was the ONLY one who could feel such severe pain...I was the only one allowed to claim fame to the most sincere, pure and almost devine depression imaginable;(and 10 Thousand times beyond) afterall I deserved it...I had dedicated TWO FUCKING YEARS to feeling this way and no one else can even come close to relating, right?

Here's one of the freakiest things that ever happend to me, 100% true. Thinking about it still gives me shivers...

*The 360 Pressure Flip*

By this time I was mostly skating alone at the elementary school near my apartments. I didnt want to be around anyone. Skating alone gave me time to think. While skating at the school, you can see part of the apartment builing I lived at through the gaps in the trees.

I would look beyond the trees, find the apartment window that peered out from the leaves, and pretended...

I pretended that Lisa lived there. And that she could watch me, sitting perched by her window sill, cheering me on as I'd land that elusive 360 Pressure flip, turn it into a backside tailslide, and ride away clean, as my wheels click clacked across the lines dividing up the sidewalk cement.

Eveyday, I'd go out there, and practice that one trick, for at least 2 months until I had it clean, always picturing Lisa's face watching me from the that window amongst the tree's. I used her imaginary power over me as a positive, to actually help out my skateboarding skills.

I get home.

Sister Ripper: J, you'll never guess who just moved into Apt# 103.

My heart beats once after she said those words, and the final thump resonated throughout my body, making the world stop mid spin, almost as if awaiting my reaction, to see if it could continue to rotate around the sun. Apt #103 was, that very same apartment that I would see through the trees while skating at the school...How much of a fucking coincidence is that??!!! The shrieking theme from the movie "Pyscho" was screamed out by my goosebumps, as I tried to remain cool in front of my sister. I willed Lisa into moving there...part of me is still convinced that my hardcore obsession somehow manifested itself into the universe and allowed her to be in the very spot I had placed her.

J the Virgin: I dunno, uh, who?

Sister Ripper: Liiiisaaaa.....

She was eyeing me for my reaction. But I couldnt fool her. She knew me too well. I dont think she ever really knew the extent to which this plauged me, but she knew enough.

Sis Ripper: I saw her when I was checking the mail. She just moved in yesterday.

We had a little social click there in the apartment, with about 10-12 of us who would go to the school late at night and smoke week. It was a mix of skaters, punkers and skins. I knew sooner or later Lisa would join us. I had to make my sister know that it was 2 years after the fact, and that I didnt have a problem if they became freinds again.

Mike: Dude, stay away from her. Keep it cool. If she finds out youre all emo on her, she'll have your nuts in a jar (a small one).

Of course, Lisa had no idea I was feeling this way about her for 2 years. We hadnt spoken. I was just some random dude she boned, I learned to accept that. But I lost my virginity to her, and hadnt had sex since that time. She was the only one I'd ever been with. Thats what made the obsession all that much stronger. I didnt even wack off to her...Im my mind, doing that would ruin any chance of being with her again...sounds really dumb, but at the time it seemed to make sense.

I was ready.

Bring it on'...
=====================================================

It's summer time.

Skating all day.

Smoking weed all night.

No school.

As I skate up to my apt, I see a red car backing out of our parking spot.

It's Lisa.

Shit...

She's driving, and Jolynn, and my sister are in the car with her. They pull up to me.

Lisa: Hey!!! Whats up?! Long time no see. Hop in, we're going to Mcdonalds.

J the Virgin: Ohhh....hey. Yea, cant go I have to work, see you guys later. Good seeing you again.

She had a quizzicle expression on her face, and I took a glance at my sister who gave me the puppy dog eyes. She could always sense me so well, I hated it.

Sis: Ok, see you later J, at the school then. Nick got some bomb ass BC bud.

They drive off. My heart is racing.

I worked at 2 jobs back then...Wendy's and Lunar Video. That day I was working the late shift at the video store, and when I got off, I knew Lisa would likely be at our little midnight get together at the school, along with the other potheads.

I was wondering how I was going to act. How I would speak, walk, and just, be...

I was happy though. If nothing else, at least I knew she would directly or indirectly be part of my life again. We were neighbors for fucks sake! When I got off work, I went straight home and looked for my favorite pipe.

Suddenly I hear tapping outside my bedroom window. I go see who it is....

Jolynn (my sisters best freind): Hey J! Can I come in?

============================================

All my friends would knock on my window and come in through it. My mom would go to bed early so knocking on the front door or ringing the doorbell was a sure way to piss her off.

Jolynn crawls in and sits on my bed. I wanted to bone her when I first met her a few years ago, but now I just saw her the way I did my sister. She was my little buddy.

J the Virgin: Whats going on? Thought you'd be at the school smoking weed with the others.

Jolynn: Yeah everyone is over there, but I wanted to tell you something.

She put her arm around me.

Jolynn: I talked to Lisa, and she brought you up. She said you guys had a sexual past, lol.

J the Virgin: Ummm, yeah.

I was anxious. What else had Lisa told Jolynn about me?

Jolynn: She also said that she remembers you were a nice guy, and good at scamming (aka makingout) with. She asked if you had a girlfriend now, and me and your sis told her you were kinda seeing someone. And then Lisa was all like "ohhh, if he was single and would take me back, I'd go back to him in a heartbeat.

Fuck Yea!!!

I was in hysterics inside!!! She actually said that shit???!!

NO FUCKIN WAY!!!

There was a god! No more praying! All the mental exhaustion of making obsession my full time job did end up being worth something. Not only was Lisa back in my life, but apparently she wanted to hook up.

Holy Fuck Nuts Batman!!!

I think I smiled too much. Jolynn gave me a hug and asked what I thought.

J the Virgin: Cool.
========================================================

I walk with Jolynn to the school arm in arm (we always did) to go meet up with my sis, the weed squad and of course, L-I-S-A. It's a bit passed midnight.

I play it so fucking cool. I sit between Nick (good freind but very hostile, aggresive and had anger management issues), and Mike, my compadre.

We pass the bong around and Mike starts telling his stories about living in Indonesia, and all the weird shit he saw. I try not to make eye contact with Lisa, as her and the girls chat it up in another sub circle by the slides and swings.

I go have a smoke alone up by the wall, and wonder how im going to initiate contact.

Too late. She comes up to me...

Lisa: Hey stranger. Got an extra smoke?

I look into her eyes, and they vacuum the polluted glob of fuck mess that was dwelling in my guts. My blood was racing thorugh every vien, and I felt...

I felt normal. Alive. And ready.

Here we go.

2 years...all culminates...right...fucking...NOW!

J the Virgin: Maybe. Smoking is bad for you ya know?

Lisa: Hahaa, just give me one.

I hand her a smoke and we walk off to the basketball courts and talk.

Thank you god. Whatever you need me to do, I will repay you. ANYTHING.

I was so happy I could cry.

We started off with chit chat, then she said...

Lisa: Well look, Im sorry for what happened before. It was a long time ago, and I was with John for so long. I really did like you, you were sweet. I feel like Im not even worthy enough to be talking to you right now. I hope...

J the Virgin: Pffffft, that was soo long ago, I barely even remember. But I do remember this...

I kiss her.

Hard and long.

Maybe thats why up until now, 2008, I have always had a fetsih for ciggerette flavor makeouts. I just realized that right now.

Fuck, I see Nick coming. He hates this girl.

Nick: Ewww, so are you two like boyfriend/girlfreind now?

J the Virgin: Yea, beat it.

He glares at me. But I know he just doesnt want me to get hurt again.

He walks off and mummbles..."Pussss"
============================================================

The pain in my stomach is now gone, and is replaced by another feeling...100% pure fucking enjoyment to be alive.

I feel like jumping into the clouds, punching an airplane and send it spinning into forever, and then gliding back down to the earth, swooping over the sky like a hawk, and surveying my world, which I happaned to own at the moment.

I get out of bed, and realize my little ritual of praying for Lisa wasnt nessesary anymore...she was mine. This time for keeps.

Sis: I saw you guys together last night. Maybe 2 years was a long time ago, and you guys can hit it off. She hasnt been with John in over a year. She cant stop talking about you. And you guys look so cute together.

I was in heaven. Nothing could ruin this. This was more real than real, if that makes any sense.

I call up Lisa, and tell her to be ready when i get off work, we're gonna go shoot some pool.

Wow. Another realization. No wonder I always take my Day2's to shoot pool. Thats where I had taken Lisa. I wonder how many other ways this girl has influenced me.

She comes over to our apartment, looking all sexy in her little red skirt. I invte her in to my room, and we start kissing. My mother of course is asleep.

Lisa: Ok lets go shoot pool then. I have to get back by 10pm.

I dont question why. It doesnt cross my mind. All I cared about was that I had Lisa.

On the way there I keep noticing she is acting a bit quiet and weird. She keeps checking her pager (this was 10 years ago guys, cell phones werent in vogue then). We get to the pool hall, and right away Lisa see's another freind there who I had never met. Some blonde tall chick.

Some blonde tall chick: Lisa!!! Whats up girl!!

Lisa: Hey you! Whats up?!!!

They hug each other and start talking, completely ignoring me. Im just standing there like a chode. I feel really awkward. About literally 4-5 minutes, I speak up.

J the Virgin: Well, Im gonna go inside and get a table. See you inside.

Lisa: Yeahh, ok...

She totally blew me off, and kept talking to her freind.

Blonde Friend: Is this your, uh, boyfriend?

Lisa: Ha, no we're just....freinds. I'll meet you inside J.

I go in there, and Im confused as fuck. This didnt seem right. But fuck it, she was here with me and would be coming in at any minute. Right?

I rack the balls up, and set them up. I look out the window and Lisa is still out there with the friend, and now some dude was out there talking to both of them. I see a guy shooting pool by himself, and I invite him for a game. We play a full game and Lisa is still out there laughing it up with her friend.

She finally comes in, apoligizes, and says:

Lisa: Ok lets play one quick one, but then I have to go. Hurry up, rack up the balls.

I do as she tell me, and he have a half ass game. She is uniterested and keeps checking her pager.

Lisa: Can we go now???

Fuck.

I cant stop shaking...why am I shaking so much?

We drive home.

I spill my guts to her, afterall they are her guts to keep, along with every other part of me.

J the Virgin: Hey, I wanted to tell you something. The whole time since we last saw each other...I thought about you. I didnt like the way things ended. And...you know the time we were together? Well.....that was my first time.

The world stood still again in mid spin, and awaited Lisa's reaction. She looked at me, and laughed.

Lisa: Oh my god! Are you serious...umm, I did not know that, thank you for sharing (said very sarcastically).

This is what it must feel like to be sucked into a black hole, as your molecular structure starts to change, and your atoms are torn apart, as the neutrons and protons scramble across infinity, never to unite again.

The rest of the ride is silence so I turn on the radio. I drop her off at her apt, and she gives me a fake hug, and says:

Lisa: I had a blast see you around.

I go in for the kiss, but get her cheek. She dashes out, and walks to her porch checking her pager.

*****
****
***
**
*
The filthy gunk starts to seep into my gut again, but this time something happens. It cant swish in my guts anymore...I have no more will in me, no guts left to be swirled in...even the gunk wont enter me now, im not worthy of it. Im here, and alive, but really thats just a lie...I died the moment she shut the car door behind her.

I tried calling her the next day.

Nothing.

She ended up moving out a week later (she lived with her mom, and she had a habit of apartment bouncing apparently). She wouldnt return my pages.

I never saw her again.

And all I can think is...

I NEVER wanted anything more,
than the girl... that im no longer praying for...

=====================================================
My sister recently said that Lisa found her on Myspace...and my sister let her know I was doing just fine these days, with all the PUA stuff im doing. One of those 1700 hits on my youtube video was surely her.
=====================================================

After I wrote my last "Chode Years" entry, I have receiced more feedback than probably any other post I have ever done. There's plenty more stuff involving other girls from my past, and the goal is to document where I was, to where I am and who I am now.

Hope you enjoyed.

And a special thanks to all of you who actually read the whole thing.

-J The Ripper

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 Post Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:15 pm 
 
Wow J this is really, really powerful stuff. I don't think I've ever related to PUA stories as much as these, as my one itis lasted 2 years, I slaved away at a shitty fast food restaurant, prayed for the girl (or death) and...fuck man...

I gotta ask you though, would you ever wish what you went through on anyone? Even her?


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 Post Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 8:17 am 
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LOL, she moved to Japan, I guess her husband is in the service. I was going to go to Washington in the winter for my friends wedding, and figured for sure I'd run into her. I guess not. Probably better that way.

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 Post Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:10 pm 
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j the ripper wrote:
Of course, Lisa had no idea I was feeling this way about her for 2 years. We hadnt spoken. I was just some random dude she boned, I learned to accept that. But I lost my virginity to her, and hadnt had sex since that time. She was the only one I'd ever been with. Thats what made the obsession all that much stronger. I didnt even wack off to her...Im my mind, doing that would ruin any chance of being with her again...sounds really dumb, but at the time it seemed to make sense.


I used to have the same superstition. But then I'd give in and masturbate to the girl anyway and then it'd all go to shit and I'd really believe I had ruined it by fantasizing about her.

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 Post Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 3:00 am 
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Quote:
I used to have the same superstition. But then I'd give in and masturbate to the girl anyway and then it'd all go to shit and I'd really believe I had ruined it by fantasizing about her.
Same thing would happen to me, Megatron. This is some deep stuff, J.


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 Post Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:06 am 
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[/quote]I used to have the same superstition. But then I'd give in and masturbate to the girl anyway and then it'd all go to shit and I'd really believe I had ruined it by fantasizing about her.[/quote]

wtff i have this same superstition too!!! crazyyy.

But deng j, this story was something else bro. I can totally relate
on many levels.
Thank god for pick up.


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 Post Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:52 pm 
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Dude, these Virgin Year volumes are great. I remember when I first came across them, I got sidetracked for about an hour reading all of these.

I can relate in a lot of ways. Can't wait for the next volume.

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 Post Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 11:34 am 
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J The Ripper wrote:
There's plenty more stuff involving other girls from my past, and the goal is to document where I was, to where I am and who I am now.
both parts are pure catharsis - an almost ritualistic cleansing of choadville. It's like pua baptism. I'm pretty cynical with all the kj bullshit I read on forums so it's encouraging to read something real.


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 Post Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 12:34 am 
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Your writing is beautiful JTR :cry: .

Seriously, I couldn't stop reading your JTV series. I'm definitely going to be reading the rest of your archive.

Even though I had an idea of what was likely going to happen with you and Lisa, I still kept on cheering for you and hoped you would have written something different.

Many respects JTR.

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 Post Posted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:16 pm 
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damn man.. it really hurt me to read this knowing how much it hurt you.. I feel you man..
it's just weird how that ended too.. some girls are just too fucked up.

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