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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:43 am 
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Mexinova CC Podcast Host

Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:59 am
Posts: 446
Location: OC Biatch!
I don't have anyone to go to for advice, I hope someone here can help me.

Has or is ANY one been through ANYTHING similar to the following? Plz lend me some advice, because god knows I need it!     

I met a woman years ago, had a relationship and all that. She  was, and is a good woman. So she gets pregnant, I want her to abort, but she won't. I decide to stand up to my responsibility, it's time to grow up and man the fuck up, because let's face it, it's either run like a coward away from your own flesh and blood ( how can someone do that?) or raise my child and be there.

I end up having 2 beautiful children with this woman. Our relationship lasts about 10 yrs. I cheated on her before our first child and when she became pregnant I vowed never to cheat again......... It didn't work out like that. I cheated on this woman many times, and the fucked up thing is, that not once did I feel any remorse for doing it. In spite of that I always felt like I loved that woman. But I would ask myself the question, " why do I keep cheating and not feel guilty?" I came to my conclusion that I can separate love and lust/sex.

After a few yrs, I came to another conclusion, that I felt trapped, I felt like I threw myself into this relationship and into familyhood against my will. That I didn't actually LOVE her. I loved/love her as the mother of my children, but I'm not IN LOVE with her. We are not compatible. She doesn't like what I like and vice versa. And that soon, I'll just break up with her and be FREE!! Free to go out and do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANTED!! Its like at home I had to answer to my parents, then, as soon as I turn adult, I have to answer to my near wife, WTF!?!

A few yrs turned into 10 and finally decided that I deserve to be free, and that she doesn't deserve to be with some unfaithful unremorsful asshole like me, so I ended it. Now I live with roommates and she lives with my 2 kids.

It's been about a year since the breakup. I see my kids nearly every day. However I miss living with my kids, tucking them in every night, waking up with them every morning, being a family with their mommy and daddy. And frankly sometimes I miss HER.... Just a little. There's been times that I've spent a whole week with them and slept with my ex. Basically leading her on as I then again decide I simply CAN'T live under the same roof with this woman.... Hurting her again......... I'm not in love with that woman, but I do love her, and boy does it hurt my heart everytime I see her cry for me, I want to comfort her, want to make things alright, but in reality I end up making them worse....... I wasted 10 yrs of her life. Her dreams of buying a nice little house together and raising our kids together are down the drain. I suck at breaking up, I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing.

My kids sometimes ask me, "daddy, why won't you live with us? Why don't you move back in?" WTF am I supposed to tell them? " Because daddy doesn't love mommy? Because daddy wants to be free to do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants anytime he wants, and fuck whoever he wants."?

Damnit! Am I making the right choice? My parents are still together, it kills me to have done this to my kids, but I honestly feel like I can never be happy being practically married to this woman, she's a very good woman, but after 10 yrs I know i may never be happy and just want to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

Do I just go back and sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life so that my kids can grow up like I did? Do I learn to live and be happy with this woman? Like if I got my brain reprogrammed into being happy and end up having a permanent smile like that asshole from the Enzyte commercials? With a normal familly? Are my kids  being cheated out of something? Will they be fine eventually? After many years and after my kids possibly have a step dad, will I regret it?

Another thing is, that my ex knows damn well In her mind that I'm out trying to get laid.... That womans loves me still. It hurts her so bad. It hurts me to hurt her..... How can I, me, be so cruel? She repeatedly asks me what my ultimate goal is while single and free, but no matter what answer I give her she ALWAYS aims to get me to admit that I ultimatly want to fuck other women...... I just can't tell her! I know I should, but I just can't do that to her...... I should, maybe that's what she needs to hear to forget about me. But am I afraid unfairly of having her move on? She's pretty much been waiting for me to one day decide to come back "home". I just feel like if she just decided to move on shit would be easier for me... Help!

After 10 yrs I had finally grown the balls to leave, knowing that I was gonna hurt her, I said, "Fuckit!" and left.

FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST!

It's been bittersweet than a mufucker!

PS
the reason I'm posting this here, is because she found out about my CC afiliation when I idiotically used her pc while picking up my kids. I did change my handle, but do not want to risk her figuring it out with this post, she's like a damn detective.

_________________
Yes, that's all I have to say...what part of my handle didn't you understand?

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in
my career. I've lost almost three hundred games.
Twenty six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning
shot and missed. I've failed over, and over, and over again in my life.
And that is why I succeeded." Micheal Jordan


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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 7:03 pm 
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CC Boston Team Lead
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Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:06 pm
Posts: 1108
Location: cold and rainy Boston
Well, first of all, allow me to give you my story.

I've been with the same girl for 8 years now. Initially, it was great. We clicked, and we partnered, and we worked through many adversities.
As I tried to use NLP that I was learning at the time on her, it always came out sideways. She would not know what I was doing, but, her reaction was always negative.

We moved in together after only a year of seeing each other, and, it was pretty good.
Fast forward a few years, and, it's no longer roses and peaches, until, finally, she blew a gasket and stuck a knife in my mattress over my tone of voice (no, I'm not fucking with you. She's Japanese. Many times she told me that even though I'm speaking the nice words, my tone is hurting her. Urgh.)

So, I kicked her out. Cold. Knowing that she was sharing a room with a friend, I offered to take her back. No remorse, no apology.
Fine, I'd put up with that shit.
Finally, it was getting close to her finishing grad school. I thought that once she's done, she'd be out of my life. Well, not so fast.

(In the meantime, I became Vince Kelvin's trainer-in-training, upped my game, started CC Boston, and got laid a couple of times)

Now she started to look for a job.
"OK", I thought. "Once she gets a job, sayonara, right?". Nope.
She couldn't get a job because of her visa status (foreign student).

So, I told her to tell the prospective employer that we're engaged. She got hired nearly on the spot (as a behavioral therapist).
And, I was faced with a decision.

I had to marry the girl, because the job would not give her work visa.
I knew that if I didn't marry her, she'd lose her job, be deported, and, would not be able to work in her specialty because she needs two years of experience in the States.

I felt like if I didn't marry her (even though I did not fucking want to), I'd be the biggest asshole on the face of the Earth.

Guess what? I am now married to her, and I feel like the biggest asshole on the face of the Earth.


What am I doing now?
Well, I love the girl, but, I'm not in love with her.
I am addicted to being in love, and, I search for that feeling constantly with other women.

As far as you, OLB, my advice is this.

Kids are the only reason to get married. And, depriving them of a loving father is unkind at least, and criminal at worst.
But, carving out your heart so you can live with the woman you don't love is not the best solution.

However, you are a man. And, men are simple creatures.
And, as a simple creature, follow this simple advice.

Be honest.


That's it. Be honest.
Be with your kids, because, I know you love them, and you love being with them.
If that means living with your wife, then, do so, with one stipulation.
Tell your wife that you love her, but, you're not in love with her.
Tell your wife that your kids are your life, and, you cannot imagine depriving them of their loving father.
Tell you wife that you cannot exist without being in love, and, those short moments with other women allow you to breathe and to be happy as a man.

Create a wonderful household with your wife, and, be honest with her.
She must know that you love her, but, not in love with her.
She also must know that your heart is with your kids, and, to be without them is a worse life than being happy.
But, also let her know that you being happy means nothing if you have to spend one more moment apart from your kids.

If she tries to run a guilt trip on you "You want to have your cake and eat it too", tell her that you only want her to be happy, and in no way shape or form could you ever hurt her.
But, if this means you simply existing with her, then, some day, she might find you gone.
Forever.
As the life with her and the kids will only result in you dying on the inside, and, eventually, leaving, never to come back.

But, living with her, with her knowing that, even though you will have your life outside your house, you will still stay devoted to her and the children, may be the only way this can be solved.


Al

_________________
http://www.RelationshipChef.com
"Helping you discover ingredients you've had all along"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches"


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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:40 pm 
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Mexinova CC Podcast Host

Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:59 am
Posts: 446
Location: OC Biatch!
Thanks for your advice Envy, it was much appreciated.

I actually very recently..... As a matter of fact, after posting this thread admitted to having cheated on her a multitude of times.    I told her I had cheated with multiple women before she became pregnant.    It didn't really bother her, as she justified it by saying that Our relationship still wasn't as serious.    Then I admitted cheating after our second child, a multitude of times and with different women, which I actually had a drug problem at that time, so she justified it by saying that while I was battling addiction, I became someone else, and didn't give a fuck about anything.    Which was somewhat true, but I told her that I'm not so sure it was drugs that made me go out and look for "strange" pussy.    I also told her that not once did I feel guilty for doing it.    I've also told her that if we were together now, and I cheated again, I wouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever.    So I asked her, "if I loved you, why would I be ok doing that?".    I admit I miss her alot at times, but I'm just not sure if it's that I love her, and want to be with her, or if I am still co-dependent, since all I've known for nearly my entire adult life has been to be 50% of a functioning human being.     But with that, she holds on to hope that I might one day reach a conclusion that I'll come back and say," You know what? I do love you and want to be with you the rest of my life!".   I admit, it is possible, but I just can't promise it.


As far as asking her for what you advise, I gotta say I've sorta tried asking her, and no way would she go for it.     Not only that, but I'm not so sure it would be a good example for my kids.    Of coarse I'd hide it, but how long before they figure it out?    Of coarse it sounds good and I'd like that, but just not sure I can do that.    I, after all, am not even sure I really believe a man and woman can REALLY fall in love.    I kinda tend to think of it as men mistakingly calling the fact that they can't get other women, or that theysettle, "love".    Yes, yes, I may be totally wrong, that's just my take as a result of my own life experiences, and seeing it through other men.    Or it may not actually exist as we are brought up to believer it is.     I mean how many men in the world who claim they are in "love" would not fuck someone like Beyoncé, given the opportunity without their wives finding out, and all in the name of love?     I don't think so.

So I don't know guys.    Is being single and free really worth it?    Will I regret the fact that maybe my kids will have some anger for leaving some day, even though I really don't see that happening as I see them nearly everyday and have fun times with them alot.    Or that they'll be jealous of a girlfriend I may have?     Or that I'll regret the possibility of them having a step dad?    I mean is all this worse in my mind?     Will it not be so bad if it actually happens?    Am I overthinking this?    Should I just not worry so much and just stay single?    I am of coarse also afraiad of completely crushing her heart.    Should I just chill out, and shell be fine?  

_________________
Yes, that's all I have to say...what part of my handle didn't you understand?

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in
my career. I've lost almost three hundred games.
Twenty six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning
shot and missed. I've failed over, and over, and over again in my life.
And that is why I succeeded." Micheal Jordan


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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:55 pm 
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CC Boston Team Lead
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Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:06 pm
Posts: 1108
Location: cold and rainy Boston
Bro, I hope someone else will chime in (like DB, JTR, or shakeshi), but here's my $0.02
Your kids a re a lot more important than anything else. Responsibility is what makes a guy into a man.
I believe that "love" is a misnomer, and, "eternal love" is a load of crap.

However, it does sound like the woman is willing to forgive your behavior, as long as she knows that you'll come home to her.
My advice, be honest. She'll either be glad to have you home, with your kids, and know that couple times a week you'll head out to get some, or she won't.

I would not, however, bring anyone else home, or, treat them as a girlfriend.
Allow that honor to go to your wife.

And, whatever you decide, remember, kids is what's most important

_________________
http://www.RelationshipChef.com
"Helping you discover ingredients you've had all along"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches"


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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:02 pm 
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Mexinova CC Podcast Host

Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:59 am
Posts: 446
Location: OC Biatch!
Yea man, I mean would REALLY like to hear from people that have been in something
similar. I mean obviously I would think that someone at 21 would not be able to give
me good advice, but you never know. So yea man I should edit this to sound more
anonymous and post it out in general or something.

Well, thanks man, again, I appreciate your feedback.

_________________
Yes, that's all I have to say...what part of my handle didn't you understand?

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in
my career. I've lost almost three hundred games.
Twenty six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning
shot and missed. I've failed over, and over, and over again in my life.
And that is why I succeeded." Micheal Jordan


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 Post Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:26 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 3:47 am
Posts: 3
Location: California
You have opted right choice according to your life and for your happiness.But due to your decision that kids doesn't get their childhood happiness as you had got in your life.According to me this should be justified.As you are now free and happy but your kids are not too much happy as you. What was their fault? I think they have right to get love from their father and mother. I would like to suggest you that think over your decision and make some good solutions.

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 Post Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:12 am 
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CC Supporter/CC Hollywood

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:50 am
Posts: 914
Location: Los Angeles
I don't visit this section often, so sorry I haven't posted before.

One word:

THERAPY.

The questions you pose are all excellent ones, but this is really an issue you need to figure out with a professional.

Honestly, I understand why you cheated, etc. This woman basically "forced" you into marriage, etc, and you resented her for it, which is understandable.

BUT, you both have issues that need to be worked out. Thing is, one can only work on themselves, so that's what I'd suggest you do. Find a good therapist, and figure it out.

For now, I do think you made the right decision to move on.

_________________
Some people dream of success while others wake up and work for it.


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 Post Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 12:09 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:51 am
Posts: 145
Location: Cypress/Newport Beach
Part I

This post is over two years old, so hopefully you have found some sort of peace of mind, or a solution to your situation by now. If not, I have the following to consider, and while the situation is slightly different, the solution might not be. I met a woman in a club when I was about 26 (I'm now 58, b.t.w.).
She was a smoking hot Cuban girl, who was 23 when I met her, had a 5 year old son, and was still living with her husband. I helped her move out from him, and move her stuff into her own apartment, after she assured me the guy wouldn't try to shoot me or anything. (I try to foresee trouble and avoid it whenever possible) We had already been sleeping together by this time, and she claimed that although they lived under the same roof, they slept in different rooms, because he had a major drug problem, cheated on her, etc. I ended up moving into the apartment with her in less than a month, probably more like 2-3 weeks. Hell, I was there fucking her almost every night anyway, so it kind of made sense. I got a more stable paying job, because I was working in real estate, and it was not a real dependable income, especially with 18-20% interest rates during the Jimmy Carter years. She had a good paying job as a legal secretary, which she had for like 5 years by then. I had to help out with picking up and dropping off her son at daycare and school, which I didn't mind, because I believed I was madly in love with this woman.

To cut to the chase, about two years later, after being in a horrific car accident together, which totaled my car (guy ran a stop sign in a full size Cadillac Sedan DeVille, and t-boned my 1980 Honda Accord, on my side of the vehicle, totaling it, and putting us both out of work for over two months, to recover from injuries. The accident happened right in front of a Long Beach P.D. motorcycle officer, so we got a good insurance settlement), we got married. A big church wedding, reception, and an 8 day Hawaiian honeymoon. We moved into a rental down by the beach, because I'm a surfer. I went back to school, going to school year round for about 2 years, until I received my AA degree. Then, I started law school full time, while working full time. About one year later, the trouble began. (I promise to finish this, but I have to get prepared for a class I have tonight at the University nearby)

_________________
InTent "Rock Star"

"You don't get confidence first. First, you do the thing that scares you the most, then you get the confidence (courage)!" (Originator unknown)

Translation to "Game": Approach smoking hot women without hesitation even though you're scared shit less, and eventually through practice and repetition, it will get easier!


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