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 Post Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:09 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:11 am
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Gentlemen:

I posted this on my site (http://www.ArtOfThePlayboy.com) and JTR said I ought to throw it up here for your reading pleasure. So, I shall do that with the things I've written for your reading pleasure. As with everything, feel free to check out the rest of my site and subscribe if you'd like more direct emails.

AND NOW. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO: PUA PROBLEM #1. Misunderstanding Change.



The concept of change is something that is tremendously important in the PUA community. Coincidentally, because of how difficult it is for some people to change, it’s one of the most polluting elements in the community, as well. Often the concept of changing (or “evolution”) actually overshadows the changes that are taking place.

Let me explain: When most guys first get into pickup, they discover some fundamental flaws with a lot of things that they take for granted. Let’s use the concept of style for this demonstration, though, it could be anything: body language, grooming, vocal tonality, etc.

Bob wants to get better with girls. Bob isn’t socially retarded or completely anxiety ridden, he just needs to find some basic confidence, learn a few tools, and get an outside perspective, so he starts working with a PUA coach. PUA Coach takes a look at Bob and immediately realizes that the biggest hindrance is the way he dresses. PUA Coach takes Bob out, drops a few hundred dollars and suits and boots him. Bob looks sharp as a tack now and is now getting much better reception from women.

After his style makeover, Bob discovers that he really enjoys this change and starts to fully embrace it. He’s paying more attention to the style of dress, wearing slimmer fitting clothes of different colors, and is really starting to look like a new person. Unfortunately, this is making Bob’s friends feel a little uneasy for a few reasons. First, he’s not the same old Bob that they know and love. Sure he thinks the same way and acts pretty much the same, but now there’s just something... different about him. And different is bad. Second, whenever Bob walks into the room, he steals all the attention. People can see he’s putting a lot of effort into who he is and, frankly, it makes all Bob’s friends look like slobs. They didn’t feel like slobs when Bob dressed the way he used to, but now Bob is really showing them up. Why would Bob do that to them??

Bob’s friends react to this, they say to Bob: “Dude, why are you dressing all crazy and stuff. You should be happy just being yourself. You don’t need to try so hard.” Bob doesn’t really understand this because he knows he’s not trying hard, he’s simply evolving. Bob is smart, though, and realizes that if this keeps up, it shows that his friends aren’t supporting him. He’s simply trying to make himself lead the most enjoyable life he can. He’s not hurting them and, therefore, he starts discovering that these people aren’t really good friends, at all.

This goes on for a while and Bob tries to explain to his friends what a great step forward this is. They keep telling him his new suit is stupid and that he looks like a suit salesman. They tell him wearing a pink shirt looks gay and that him trying so hard is going to turn girls off. Meanwhile, Bob is going out to bars after work and meeting some really cool girls that tell him it looks really good, so he knows something is amiss. Unfortunately for his friends, he knows they are merely afraid of change and he has to block out their criticisms if he’s going to continue to better himself. He has reviewed their thoughts and compared them to the advice of others, perhaps better qualified to comment on the issue, and discovers his “friends” have come up wanting. PUA Coach warned this would happen and made sure to tell him exactly what to do in this situation.

“People are afraid of change, so when you make big changes like this, people in your life are really going to be shocked. The good ones will encourage you because they see what you’re doing is coming from a good place and they’ll want to contribute to your happiness. Others will transfer their own self-doubt to you and discourage you from change because it looks like you may leave them behind. In this case, you have to compare the comments of people around you with people that know about the subject. If a beautiful girl with a PHD in neuroscience that models part-time says that your suit looks great and your friend that works at Gamestop tells you you look like a fag, it’s fairly clear which option will be most beneficial to absorb.”

Pretty standard stuff, right? Right.

Now the serious part.

Bob has been busting his butt to make significant changes to his lifestyle and to who he is, he’s starting to work out, he’s gotten a different haircut, and (much to the horror of his roommates) he’s even getting a tan and taking care of his skin. Bob cares about his friends but he is constantly inundated with negative comments about what he’s trying to become and why he is wasting his time. The part of his mind that listens to the opinions of people outside of himself is constantly strained and only providing negative feelings. This becomes such a common theme that Bob ends up doing what most people in the PUA community do.

He turns that part of his brain off.

That’s right. He stops listening to people entirely. He decides that since all of these people are going to provide nothing but negative feedback (which isn’t true, but feels like it is), then that part of his brain is serving no purpose and, since he now has a really hot neuroscientist girlfriend that models part-time, he doesn’t need to take advice from ANYONE. He’s the master of his fate. He’s the captain of his ship.

One day, Bob is at the mall shopping because he gets a fat paycheck from that new job he got ever since PUA Coach helped him reevaluate priorities in his life. He is checking out some new sport coats for fall and looking at some wool ties and he suddenly spots a FEDORA! He sees the hat and his brain goes like this “HAT. MAN HAT. FEDORA. GANGSTER. CLASSY. FRANK SINATRA. AWESOME!!!!!!” So now he has to have that hat. He goes and he picks up that hat, puts it on and feels like a million dollars. He’s wearing a hat and hats basically make him look like Frank Sinatra, right? No. But who’s gonna tell him that? He’s come so far without your damn help, you should just mind your own business.

He brings it up the cashier. The cashier, using our suspension of disbelief for this story, knows A TON about hats. In fact, he used to own a hat shop in New Orleans before hurricane Katrina submerged the entire block and he had to move to LA to make a new start taking care of his sisters, but that’s another story. The cashier says, politely, “This is a great hat, but I think if you wanted to try on something with a wider brim, it would frame your face better than this short brim. That’ll make a really strong impression.”

Bob is annoyed because he knows he looks like Frank Sinatra and this guy is probably gay and doesn’t have a neuroscientist girlfriend that models part-time. Bob dismisses him and buys the hat.

Bob goes home, puts on the suit he bought four days ago because he gets a fat paycheck from that new job he got ever since PUA Coach helped him reevaluate priorities in his life and slaps on his new fedora. He looks at himself in the mirror and feels amazing. He has a new hat. This makes him look like Frank Sinatra, even though it’s got a short brim and is really more of an Alicia Keyes fedora than the Lock and Co Trilby (or Pork Pie, for that matter) that Sinatra used to wear on tour. This doesn’t matter.

He goes to the bar and sees his new friends, the ones he’s met since stepping into his new shoes and starting to improve himself, unfortunately having to ditch his old friends for their constant negative outlook. “Hey! It’s Bob! Hey man, how was your day? Good to see you!... Is that a new hat?”

“Yeah!” Says Bob, “Totally Frank Sinatra, right?” Bob laughs.

His friends smile but don’t really see the Frank Sinatra thing, since it’s got a short brim and is really more of an Alicia Keyes fedora than the Lock and Co Trilby (or Pork Pie, for that matter) that Sinatra used to wear on tour. They say it’s cool that he’s trying it out! One friend suggests that the next hat he buys, he should try a wider brim, it would frame his face better than the short brim and that would make a really strong impression. Bob laughs because his friends are obviously just being “HATERS” about his new hat and, since he turned off that “people’s opinions are, in fact, useful” part of his brain,everyone that doesn’t agree with him is a “HATER.” And what are haters going to do? That’s right; haters are going to hate.

Yep. I’m certain you’re familiar with that phrase and with the common concept of “haters” in general. Great.

There is something to be said, however. There are a lot of people out there that do just simply want to speak ill of anyone that is having any kind of success. There are tons and TONS of people that want to belittle any success you’re having as a way to make themselves feel better. THIS IS NOT THE MINDSET OF EVERYONE, THOUGH. Recently, someone posted a “meme” of me that said “Goes to Europe. Spends the entire time on Facebook.” That, of course, is very funny for a few reasons. The first reason is actually funny; I totally do spend way too much time on Facebook (it’s probably why you’re reading this right now). The second reason is sarcastically funny; Because they have to be on Facebook to see that I’m on Facebook. And guess what? I’m in Europe and you’re not. So, shut up and go back to Gamestop. This is a great example of a person merely trying to cause harm because of his own insecurities. Can you see that?

Anyway, Bob is now completely immune to any sort of criticism or advice. This, of course, is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s good because the dudes that say wearing hats is stupid because they wish they could wear hats and don’t have the balls get completely dismissed, not having an effect on Bob’s decisions. Great.

Unfortunately, though, Bob’s neuroscientist girlfriend that models part-time thinks the hat looks terrible because he needs a wider brim that would frame his face better than the short brim (it would make a stronger impression). She tells Bob this (because she feels like a dick every time she’s out with a guy wearing an ill-fitting, cheap-looking fedora from the mall), and guess what happens?

Yup. Bob ignores her. Why?

BECUZ HATERZ GONNA HATE.

We can all see where this is going because you’re not idiots. Bob loses his girlfriend because he isn’t compassionate and is, actually, really just concerned with looking cool. His friends stop hanging out with him because it’s basically turned into a one-sided friendship where he only wants the good parts about their friendship and now sees them as “haters”, so he’s not giving anything back to the friendship. He eventually convinces himself that if these people in his life don’t think the things he’s doing are cool, THEY MUST NOT BE COOL ENOUGH, so he tells himself he needs to hang out with cooler people and that he’s the coolest person around. He starts doing stuff that he thinks is cool (like posting pictures on his Facebook of him in his fedora, or him giving seductive glances to the camera). He starts going places he thinks is cool (because he saw them on a “cool” TV show, even though it was filmed a year and a half ago and no one actually cool even goes there anymore) and telling everyone he’s in those cool places (“Am in NYC and we got bottle service because we’re VIP BABY! Lovin’ the baller lifestyle!!!!”). Unfortunately x100, he doesn’t realize that he is getting less and less cool, because his idea of cool has been skewed by his lack of outside information (since everyone that disagrees is a ‘hater’).

Think about it like this; there are two types of “cool”. The first is the best; it is the “I am doing whatever I want because it is what I truly believe in. It doesn’t hurt me or anytone else. I absorb information from every source around me and use that to judge what I truly support and what can make myself and the world around me cool.” This is like Old Man cool or Don’t Give A Fuck Because Being Yourself And Being Awesome Is Cool cool. The second type of cool is way less cool. This is taking what is popular and doing it. Like Justin Bieber cool or Highschool cool. The trick about these types of “cool” is that they are the product of outside sources. The idea that creativity cannot happen in a vacuum is entirely appropriate here. It doesn’t matter what type of cool you are going for, you cannot do it without examining your surroundings and interpreting yourself in relation to them (with the exception of Sean Connery or Michael Caine, who could probably making mopping up vomit look cool).

There is no way to sharpen a knife without using friction, just as there is no way to achieve real “cool” (the first kind), without bouncing your ideas off the world.

To get back to the original point; When Bob decides to make changes to his life, the most important part is to understand the value of change and realize that that that value will always exist. As we are discovering hundreds of millions of years into the lifespan of our planet Earth, evolution is a slow process that is constantly occurring. One change is not more significant than the other, but it is the concept of change that is truly important.

Since I have cut my hair, I have received equal amounts of “I liked it better long” and “You look so much better now” comments. It is impossible for me to judge what is “better” because the two styles are completely different (which is why I did it). What I know now is “better”, however, is the fact that I have remained open to change and continue to seek to evolve for the sake of my life and the things that will become of it, even if the changes are scary, painful, or if that really attractive girl you once knew liked you better with your hair long.

It is said that anything worth doing is hard and I do believe that to an extent, but understand that staying open and remembering that you cannot escape the world around you, no matter how independent you are, is the most important part of being yourself. At AOTP, I basically preach that, after taking care of your own needs, you have an obligation to improve the world around you and that simply cannot be done if you’re not involving yourself with that world.

I am not sure if I have a conclusion to this, aside from the idea that it is so important to stay open and flexible to the evolution of the world around you. The wind will blow and only the trees that bend will live to become strong, sturdy, and tall.

Also, a picture of me.
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IMG_1623.JPG
IMG_1623.JPG [ 442.92 KiB | Viewed 894 times ]


Take it easy, dudes.

_________________
Focusing on post-PUA refinement, I take men from all over the world that have learned to be good with women, and make them graceful, stylish, classic, and turn them into gentlemen.

I have trained all over the US, UK, Australia, Czech Republic, Serbia, Hungary, and Italy, have been voted Best New PUA in the World, and Trainer of the Year by CC!

http://www.ArtOfThePlayboy.com


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 Post Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:09 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:11 am
Posts: 205
Location: Worldwide
THE BIGGEST PICTURE OF ME EVER

_________________
Focusing on post-PUA refinement, I take men from all over the world that have learned to be good with women, and make them graceful, stylish, classic, and turn them into gentlemen.

I have trained all over the US, UK, Australia, Czech Republic, Serbia, Hungary, and Italy, have been voted Best New PUA in the World, and Trainer of the Year by CC!

http://www.ArtOfThePlayboy.com


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