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 Post Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 7:49 pm 
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I’ve decided to break this post into two sections that to me were the two steps I needed to go through to rid myself of jealousy, I became aware of these two steps while working with my friend Johnny Soporno who helped me personally get to the point where I was qualified to teach this to others. Speaking of which, let me give you a little background on my own, current, relationship with jealousy.

By the way, remember: All I can do is give you some tools to break out of the chains of jealousy – it is up to you to actually succeed in doing so. And I promise you one thing, for a lot of you it won’t be easy. Also, keep in mind that this article is written for non-exclusive relationships. If you are in a monogamous relationship I would recommend a different approach :)

I’ve gotten rid of about 90% of my own jealousy through following the structure I am about to present to you. The remaining 10% I have kept on purpose, and it is not jealousy in the form which you think of it, but rather a sort of motivational tool.

Let me explain.

Whenever a girl I’m seeing has been with another guy and tells me about it, I get a little tingly feeling inside of me. It’s not jealousy, it’s more a feeling of excitement. Why? Because it gives me the opportunity to learn more about the girl which I can then use to improve my own relationship with her! It keeps me on my toes (after all, I want to make sure she has as good a time with me as with others) and prevents me from being lazy in my dealings with her. But honestly, it does not bother me AT ALL when any of “my” girls are with other guys, simply because I only want what’s best for her – and if the best for her is to get her needs satisfied by someone other than me – then I’m happy for her! I’ll get back to this in a little bit.

So.. How to get rid of jealousy?

As I said, there are two main steps to this process: The intellectual step, and the emotional one. And I’ll discuss both here as effectively as I can so that this won’t turn into a book.


The intellectual step.

Ownership.
The first thing you need to do is to realize that you can not own anyone! And by this I mean that you can’t view anyone you see as YOUR girl. You cannot decide that she belongs to you in any way because she is not your property. SHE can say that she belongs to you, but you can never ever think that you in any way own her or her sexuality – she can give it to you and say it is yours, but you cannot claim it.

If you feel like something belongs to you, it doesn’t belong to you – you belong to it. Anything that you view as your ‘property’ has power over you, because you will be afraid to lose it, you will be afraid of it being taken from you, and that will make you weak in the relationship. The stronger you feel that something is yours, the more power it will have over you.

Think about it: If I came to your house and took a random glass from your kitchen cabinet home with me, you probably wouldn’t be too upset since you probably have a set of them – and besides, it’s just a glass. Now, if I came to your house and helped myself to a glass which you won at a competition where you worked your ass off, that would be very upsetting because it has sentimental value to you, you are emotionally connected to it. Agreed?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should not connect emotionally to the girls you see, I’m simply saying that viewing these girls as ‘yours’ will give the relationship more power over you than you have over it. And if you don’t own her, you shouldn’t be trying to control her either. And here’s where the second part of the intellectual step comes in:


Wanting whats best for her.

You must realize one thing right now: It is totally unreasonable to expect ANYONE to be 100% satisfied by any one person. We all have a certain craving for variety, and I don’t care how good you are with girls, there is no way you can cover ALL the bases. Personal example: I don’t do hard sex (playrape, bdsm and such), which is something a lot of girls love from time to time – so when they want to be dominated in that way I encourage them to go to someone who can provide such an experience for them. Make sense? As Johnny always says; “You can’t fake a fetish!” So if you want the best thing possible for the girls you see, you should not deny them the experiences that you can’t give them yourself. That is simply incredibly selfish of you.

(I think, by the way, that this is one of the main reasons why so many monogamous relationships don’t work. People go into them expecting to have all their needs fulfilled by one person, and when they realize they can’t, they need to look around for someone else. But that’s a different post, let’s not discuss it now).

What you’ll come to realize is that the more freedom you give the girls in your life, the more they will love you for it. Even if they decide to end their sexual relationship with you because they’ve met someone they want to be exclusive to – they will never, ever forget about you and the freedom you gave them. And more often than not, as soon as their relationship ends, they’ll come back to you (sometimes even before the relationship ends). Make sure you explain to them that the reason you give them this freedom to see others is not only because you will also be seeing other girls (and that it would be wrong of you to expect something from them that you were not willing to give yourself), but also because you only want what’s best for them, and you realize that you can’t be there to fulfill all of their needs all the time, since, as we’ve already discussed, such a notion is unrealistic.

And when you meet the “right” kind of girl, the kind who honestly do not want a monogamous relationship with anyone, your relationship will reach amazing levels through this attitude! Some of the girls I see these days often tell other girls, “you should try out TJ! He’s amazing!” Or even tell me, “I should introduce you to a girlfriend of mine, you guys would get along great!” How good is my life?

Ok. Moving on.


The emotional step.

This will be the hardest part for most of you. It was for me. Honestly, it really, really sucked at times, but I do not regret doing it for even a second.

Intellectually knowing that jealousy is a ridiculous thing because you do not own anyone, because they’ll love you more for the freedom you give them, and because not being jealous will make girls want to be with you more in stead of less (and so there is no reason for your ego to feel threathened – which, let’s be honest, is the only reason we get jealous these days anyway), is a good start. But we still have these emotions inside of us that is very hard to control by simply willing them away.

The solution is immersion.

If you are the jealous type (which I used to be), this is going to suck for a while and really mess with your head. If it does, email me at hjerterknekt@gmail.com with any thoughts that pop up or questions you might have, or simply return to this post and re-read it to get your head back on straight.

If you are not the jealous type, it still might feel a bit uncomfortable. But stick with it, you have a shorter way to your goal of a jealous-free life than anyone else out there.

Back to immersion.

You need to expose yourself to jealousy. And while you are feeling jealous you need to deal with it. Here’s how you do that:

Start out by asking simple, non-judgemental, questions to the girl in question. Ask her if she had a good time with whomever, ask her what they did and so on. You’ll soon find that you can handle more and more details before jealousy kicks in. In the beginning you might only barely be able to handle the fact that she was with some guy, but pretty soon you’ll be doing what I did just yesterday: Giving a girlfriend of mine advice on how to handle the relationship she just started with a guy she just met, after she’d been telling me all about the weekend they spent together. And I did it with a big, sincere, smile on my face.

Now, when you feel the feeling of jealousy start to grow inside of you, think about what you’ve learned about jealousy intellectually. Accept the feeling, but do not let it convince you that your mind (or I, or Johnny Soporno, or whoever) is wrong (because we are not). Then, the next time you see the girl, act normal, and realize that if you act normal – she will also, because if you’ve already told her that jealousy isn’t an issue for you (and she believes you) then why would she act differently?

Here’s the cold, hard truth: The person who negatively affects a relationship in a situation where jealousy is involved is the person who’s feeling jealous.

Think about it. If you are not jealous of a girl for being with another guy and she knows it, she will not feel bad about it, and if she doesn’t feel bad about it, her feelings towards you or your relationship have no reason to change.

If you ARE jealous and she knows it, she WILL feel bad about it, she’ll try to make it up to you, you’ll be upset and mad, and the whole relationship shifts off balance. And ‘off balance’ is not a place you want to be in any relationship.

Now, if you go through this process enough (for some of you it’ll only take one try, for others it might take months) you’ll start to see that your casual relationships with these girls will not change at all in a negative direction. In fact, in most of my relationships it’s only made them stronger and more solid! There’s more variety, there’s more excitement, we’re constantly learning new things about eachother and ourselves and the whole thing makes us even more secure in ourselves and eachother.


Alright, I’m going to start wrapping this up because this post is getting longer than planned. But before I stop I want to give you a few guidelines that might be good to follow:

• Make an agreement with the girls you see on how much each of you want/don’t want to know about what the other person does with others.
• Have an understanding of when it’s okay for you to see others (for example, picking someone up while you are on a date with her is just rude and inconsiderate (unless you are both planning on going to bed with the new girl together of course)).
• Agree to ALWAYS wear protection in the form of condoms when you are with others to prevent the spread of STDs.
• Make sure you shower in between partners ;)


Good luck, and please feel free to make comments or ask questions if there’s anything I’ve missed or if there’s anything you want me to elaborate on.


TJ Hearts
~Polyamorous Sybarite & Worthy Playboy~

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 Post Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 3:01 pm 
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This is a money post TJ, awsome!

I went thru something like this about 2yrs ago, where the girl I had been with met a friend of mine first, she was a bit older than I and he met while he was staying with his girl.

Long story short I fucked her, and then she asked about what we are and I gave her the honest answer about being open. So, she asked me about my friend and she said she wont fuck him if I say dont. I said go ahead, and this was against my real feelings but I didnt want to let my jealousy rule me, it was my first FWB kind of relationship and my friend has excellent sexual skills, to which if I lost her it would be THAT reason!

So, she eventually called me the next day and told me they did something, I reacted very calm on the inside I was a bit furious but this was from the fear he was better than me. I dont want to make the post too long but in short, this was more or less the first time I dealt with something like that!

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